Conflict Isn’t Contention: Leading Through Disagreement

08 Aug Conflict Isn’t Contention: Leading Through Disagreement

Somewhere along the way, many of us absorbed the idea that disagreement itself is dangerous — that a good, faithful woman keeps the peace by staying out of the conversation entirely. But there is a crucial difference between conflict and contention. Conflict is two people who see a problem differently. Contention is choosing to treat that person as an enemy.

Public service will always involve the first. It never requires the second.

Moderate and Unify

President Dallin H. Oaks, in his 2021 message “Defending Our Divinely Inspired Constitution,” gave a working standard for engaging hard questions:

“On contested issues, we should seek to moderate and unify.” — Dallin H. Oaks, “Defending Our Divinely Inspired Constitution,” 2021

And he paired it with a caution that protects our relationships while we do:

“We … encourage our members to refrain from judging one another in political matters.” — Dallin H. Oaks, “Defending Our Divinely Inspired Constitution,” 2021

In his 2014 message “Loving Others and Living with Differences,” he described what that looks like in practice:

“We should be examples of civility. We should love all people, be good listeners, and show concern for their sincere beliefs.” — Dallin H. Oaks, “Loving Others and Living with Differences,” 2014

The Disagreement Is Rarely the Whole Story

Rachelle Price, who serves on the Rocklin USD Board of Trustees in California, has sat through her share of tense meetings. Her experience is that distance — not difference — is what fuels contention:

“When you actually reach out or you get to know somebody, you usually find that you have more in common than not.” — Rachelle Price, Rocklin USD Board of Trustees

And when the disagreement stays sharp anyway, she refuses to match heat with heat:

“We can still communicate with people in a kind and respectful way and not retaliate.” — Rachelle Price, Rocklin USD Board of Trustees

What People Actually Want

Millie Segura Bahr, who serves on the Bountiful City Council in Utah, has a theory about what sits underneath most public conflict:

“We all just want to be seen. And we all just want to be heard.” — Millie Segura Bahr, Bountiful City Council

A leader who genuinely listens defuses more contention than a leader who wins every argument. That kind of listening is a skill faithful women have often spent decades practicing — in families, in callings, in communities.

Bring the Peace With You

As election season ramps up, remember: behind every disagreement is a neighbor. If public life feels too contentious, that is not a reason for peacemakers to stay home — it is the reason communities need them to show up.

Visit projectelectwomen.org to find training, mentorship, and a community of women learning to lead with conviction and kindness at the same time.

Project Elect is not endorsed by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.